Thursday, February 3, 2011

before today becomes our yesterday

Part of the reason for ending my blog hibernation is to share some neat things God is doing in my life, but to adequately explain what He's doing I need to back up a bit and explain where I've been the last several months. It's not been pretty.

It all started in mid-October. A broken power cord for my Mac gave me cause to take a weekday morning drive through an area near our before-the-Blue-House house. {Got that?} It was truly a trip down memory lane.

Every few blocks I'd see a young mom pushing a baby stroller. Oh, that was so me, once upon a time. Almost every day, even in the winter, I loaded Anna and Ryne up, and we walked for an hour or more. Sometimes we'd walk with friends, but often it was just the three of us and the dog. I had favorite houses we pass; houses I'd dream of living in someday. {No, none of them were blue.} Sometimes we'd walk to the park and play. Other times we'd drive to a different park to feed the ducks. I'm not sure why we stopped taking walks when we moved to the Blue House. Maybe because it was too difficult to push a double stroller up the giant hills in our new neighborhood. Maybe it was because autism came into our life and we were too busy with therapy schedules. I miss the carefreeness.

As I continued to drive, I passed the church where we had attended a mother's day out program. One morning a week I'd drop the kids off at the nursery and meet other moms upstairs to scrapbook. The kids would happily fall asleep in the car on the way home, letting goldfish crackers be their nourishment instead of a healthy lunch. Probably makes me a bad mom; oh well. I miss the fun.

A week or so later, I cleaned off a shelf in the coat closet by the front door and found this.

Nevermind that I still hung this sign on the front door when Grace was four; she was hardly a baby anymore. But for many years it protected our sacred naptime. As I held the little sign with the dirty ribbon and paint-chipped corners, I thought about how naptime hadn't been just for the kids. Many days I'd curl up with a baby in my bed and we'd snuggle the hours away. Yes, hours. Don't hate me, but my kids were the best nappers. Two to three hours. I miss the quietness.

Another day, I started packing up some of our books the kids have outgrown. Good Night Moon. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. We're Going on a Bear Hunt. Anything by Sandra Boynton. Do I dare admit they went into a box designated for future grandkids? Maybe then I will get to relive curling up in a cozy chair, hearing a toddler's sing-song voice recite the words to the story she's heard so many times. Maybe we'll burst into giggles as our dog howls along with the "nine dogs on a moonlit night." Finishing up with prayers and singing (they knew once we sang the Doxology it was time for sleep), our bedtime routine was perfect. I miss the simple routine.

The final straw was when we watched Toy Story 3 with the kids over Thanksgiving break. Andy's going to college?! Really?! Tomorrow, am I going to be packing up Bunny, wondering where the time went? I cried through the entire movie. I miss it all.

Tying all these events together is a song that I've heard at least a hundred times over the last several months, either on the radio or on my iPod. I love this song, and yet it broke my heart every time I heard it.

And so I'd wrestle with myself.

How do I take in the colors when I feel like every day I'm just trying to muster enough energy to survive the day?
Checklists typically aren't very colorful.

Then we're in big trouble, because all we seem to do is complain and bicker, day in and day out.
And I'm the one leading the parade.

How do I slow down when there is so much to do?
What do I cut out?

I told you it wasn't pretty. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I was feeling defeated in other areas of my life too.

Thankfully, I'm emerging from that pit. I don't have all the answers, but God is slowly changing my heart.

To be continued . . .


  1. Kellie,
    This post made me cry. I am staring down the barrel of a Tourette's diagnosis with my littlest guy, and I am grieving. I miss the carefreeness, the baby days when evaluating tics and worrying about his social anxiety were not part of my everyday life. Wondering how bad this is gonna get and what his grown-up life will be like...

    This messed up world is just sad and hard sometimes. It isn't always a pretty little picture on the wall, even though those sweet baby days were and we didn't even know it then, did we?

    Praying for you.


  2. Beautiful post, Kellie! I can relate. I've been feeling this way for so long and wanting another baby for so long. It was through tears about a month ago that I told the Lord I was willingly closing that chapter in my life. I knew I needed to do that in order to enjoy the HERE AND NOW. God is showing me what an awesome, wonderful time THIS SEASON can be if I just embrace it!

  3. Dear Kellie,
    Thank you for this post. I, too, have been reflecting on the shortness of life, the fragility of life, and the speed with which it passes.

    Praying for you,

  4. I am so there! I have been feeling the same thing... It feels like my life and my children's life have gone by in a flash. Oh, and the stupid Toy Story movie. I cried like a baby! My boy used to carry around both Woody and Buzz!
    I am determined to make the most of my time and enjoy the time I have left with my kiddos....

    So Fast...

  5. I can so relate. Do know you're in my prayers.
    I loved how Susan Hunt named stages of our lives as seasons. I know I'm in a new season and I pray each day that I accept the changes this new season brings and love it all for what it is. There are special times now as there were back when we were in the napping stage (I was able to get all four kids to nap at the same was my sanity saver). : )
    I just came in from sledding with my three boys, I'm not near as brave as they are, but what fun...even as they are 10, 13, and 14. I think the more time I spend with my children the better it is. I've put down my book and picked up a dsi to see what games my youngest son likes. He helps me through the levels I can't do. I watch shows that they like and put my foodnetwork shows on the back burner. One day, I'll be able to do what I "think" I really want to do. Right now, I'm doing stuff with them and having a blast. We still end each evening with all of us reading the Bible, praying and then tucking them all in bed with goodnight kisses. We'll do that 'til they go off to college. : )

  6. Oh, Kellie... I don't know how I missed this post; how thankful I am to have stumbled upon it tonight! Your words were written just for me... something I've been struggling with for quite some time (I'm hibernating myself right now :)... something that tears me apart on so many levels, yet brings me back to the Father as this is the way He planned it, and His plans are always best. Thank you, my friend, for sharing your heart-- please know that you have blessed mine immensely!

  7. It felt as like your words were written for each of us because we need to hear them. Sometimes I too miss our carefree days and fun when we took the time to enjoy life.

    I felt so drawn to this post and the feelings you felt because there are times when I feel that life is going by us too fast and we are missing what’s important.
    Thank you for sharing.